pray

You open the door every day, expecting the same, you pray he never returns.  He was a godless man, made you feel terrible, made you ache, made you tired and weak, and your escape was pills.  Pain numbing, mindless, sexless pills that let you read for hours and worlds you entered you did not feel, it was gray territory, unmotivated, uninspiring travels that just let you forget home, where he was.  A cruel, thoughtless man that just ate your life away.  He rotted and killed your simple cells, your producing, growing life, he morphed and accelerated your pain.  Wearing on your back and closing your throat.  You grew anemic and restless, you could not sleep, you could not eat.  Never did you think it was him that made you this way, why would you?  He did not beat you, he did not curse or abuse you, he did not drink too much or gamble, he did not cheat or steal, he just grew and sat like an anchor on your boat.  You would think you just have been working too hard.
What kind of man is this, what has he become and how?  He was not always this way and the clock ticking you waken and say, "No, I want a family, I want to have a daughter, or a son, I want to see them grow and live and I want to be there to see them do all the great things I have wasted," and you think as it is killing you, something has to be done, so you go to a counsel for advice, an opinion as to what can be done and you tell them about your pain, your tiredness, they ask about your sex life, you say none, they ask about your drug use, you say none, they ask you to undress and they feel around on your tissue, at your bones, and they say it could be many things, so you tell them about him and they ask for a picture.  One look at him and and they say we need a blood sample from him and you say ok, that is fine, whatever is to be done.  You return with his blood sample and they come back with bags of liquid and they say this is for you, you are to drink this.  They tell you it is chemical therapy, it will make him go away, they tell you he is a bad man, they tell you it's not your fault, but you don't understand how this happened, why did he become this, and they tell you they don't know either, only that bad men like him are in every good being, they just start to grow and transform and what is now important is getting rid of him.  So you take the chemicals home and drink them and they tell you make sure to eat, drink lots of water, stay away from much sun, take care of yourself, watch yourself and you feel the chemicals take work.  You begin to feel weaker, but the pain gets better, you feel like your throat is holding back gallons of bile and waste, you feel gas building in your chest, you take long showers to warm up and relax your body, your skin feeling dry and your body inside and out is dirty, you sicken at the smell of cigarette smoke, fried foods, sweets are sour, meat is one big slab of fat you can not chew, yet you force food down, mainly vegetables and some fruit, throwing up with no warning, rather you felt it coming all day, every day, but your stomach suddenly flips and you go running, your hair falls out as you shower, lumps of hair are pulled out in your hands, slight runs of your hand through your hair bring chunks, rubbing your eyebrows, you feel tiny hairs fall on your nose and cheeks, you try to read but you can not concentrate, you try to sleep but you have nightmares, you try to meditate and do yoga, letting your mind slip to fields and streams, to butterflys and flowers, the ocean and the mountains, anything, anywhere other than your muck of a self.  They tell you it's normal, you tell them your fingers tingle and feel sensitive, your ears ring, your eyes blur, they tell you it's normal, you tell them at times your feet and legs seem restless and jerk and twitch and are painful, you can't seem to position them to comfort and they tell you to slow the chemicals and you ask how long are you to take this chemical therapy, they tell you twelve weeks.  You tell them the man is shrinking, he seems to be going away, he shrank rapidly at first and now he may be getting smaller but it's hard to tell.  At twelve weeks they ask if he is still there, you tell them yes, but he is very small and they say to wait a month and see what happens.  Transitioning back into good health after the chemicals you fear a damage on yourself, you worry of your job and whether he is gone.  During the month, he begins to grow, very rapidly, not the giant he was, but quickly and they tell you, we can not help, but maybe another can, and when you see the next counsel they say drink these chemicals immediately and you want to say I'm fine, don't give me these chemicals, but you know what, how you will feel if he were to keep growing and so you say, whatever must be done, and the weakness returns, the nausea continues, your muscles have left and eroded, you are bloated, pink, and bare.  You push through as before, you sicken at smells and you try to breathe and relax, you become used to it.  They ask about him and you say he seems to have shrunk, but no more than last time and they say take these chemicals.  Therapy seems to stop working and he just begins to grow more, they say try these chemicals and nothing happens, you feel the same, sick and foggy, movies are no interest, reading is still too hard on your brain, you are becoming more like him, sitting ang growing, rotting away at yourself.  He still sits and grows.  They say we don't know what to do and you want to anger and scream.  You want to leave him alone, you want to let go, you want to be free and well and you break and cry and say, no, I want more.  I wanted more.  They tell you to come back in a month and they will think of something and you watch him all the while.  After awhile you move out of his site, just forget him, just hold on to something, you shower more, you meditate more, you scream in your pillow and cry as you go to see the counsel and they tell you they are going to do something dangerous, but with the right hands, it will be ok, it must be done.  They tell you they are going to remove him themselves.  And you think and ask why this was not done to begin.  They tell you, he can leave a trace we may not see, and once we try, we can not go in again, he may spread as we try to control and take him out and you say, whatever must be done, so they put you to sleep and go in the dark to bring him out.  Ten hours they tell you they worked straight and they brought him out, more massive than you thought, than he looked, he was still.  So days go by and you do not see him, you are astounded and joyful and you thank the counsel and they say we must still watch, he may come back and time goes on, you feeling better, better than you have in years and they visit now and again to check on you and watch for him, but still every day you open the door, expecting the same, you pray he never returns.